January 24, 2012

While We're on the Subject of Trends....

We might as well have some fun pointing out all the ridiculous, hideous shit that people think is wedding-worthy.  For reasons unknown, the newest and trendiest theme to hit the pages of bridal magazines is garbage.  And no, that's not editorializing, I mean actually garbage.  People are fishing things out of their dumpsters and calling them decor.  Let me show you what I mean.

My primary pet peeve is the twine-wrapped tin can.  I will never, ever understand why this happens:

This is not pretty.

Chef Boyardee does not belong at your wedding.   And tying ribbon around something or gluing rhinestones or paper flowers onto it does not make something not garbage anymore.  In fact, it makes it more garbage.  There is no excuse for pulling something out of the trash, wrapping string around it, and putting it on your table.  None.

Speaking of putting trash on your table, can anyone explain this?:

Excuse me, waiter, but my drink has a distinct "marinara" aftertaste.
You know who serves drinks exactly like this?  The campy, backwoods-hunting-lodge-style steakhouse down the street that I sometimes go to before a movie for nachos and beer.   On your birthday, they'll come out with a gigantic furry hat that has antlers on it, stick it on your head and sing to you, then pie you in the face with a pie-tin full of whipped cream.  When you serve me a drink like this at your wedding, I crouch down in my chair to duck the very real threat of pie-in-the-face and wonder whether I got lost on my way to your wedding since I apparently ended up at the cookhouse instead and where the fuck are my nachos?

And for those hardcore weddings which need just that extra dash of silly to set them apart from all the tired, done-to-death mason jar uses, there are mason jars on sticks.  Otherwise known as "rustic wine glasses", or something.
Just.... what?

Also filed under "rustic" wedding chic, burlap:
No, that's what I said.  Burlap.
Burlap.  That brown, itchy stuff that is used to haul sand or coffee or to keep weeds from coming up in your garden.  Not just for sandbagging rivers anymore, folks!  The only reason I've been able to come up with for using burlap as your wedding tablecloth is to dissuade ill-mannered guests from putting their elbows on the table during dinner.

Then again, apparently causing your guests discomfort is chic. Which is the only explanation I can imagine for the extremely high reputation of that wedding staple, the Chiavari Chair:
Hideous AND hideously uncomfortable.  Swish!

These things look like cheap bamboo furniture that someone sprayed with gold paint.  Whatever marketing genius turned this crap into the pinnacle of wedding seatery deserves a fucking medal for being the hands-down world's best bullshitting salesman of all time. I am in awe.

And of course, when your garbage bin has been wrung dry of all its wedding accoutrements, then it's time to raid the gutters and backyard leaf pile for twigs:

Just like being in a whimsical forest, am I right?
Yes, seriously.  Grab some twigs, hang some shit on them, and call it a day. Perhaps my earlier comment bears repeating here: tying ribbon or gluing paper flowers on garbage makes it more garbage

When did ugly become the new pretty?  Next thing you know, people will be ruining their wedding dresses just to get interesting photos.

Oh wait....


  1. Oh ... The can with the burlap is something else!!!

    Let me tell you something about burlap: It can be done well. But it stinks like death. I tried using it for our Thanksgiving table ... Husband and dids HATED me that week as I tried 12,000 ways to defunk the burlap.

    Keep writing! Funny stuff!

    1. I'm trying to imagine you attempting to air out your burlap on the clothesline, spraying it with Febreeze as it flaps in the wind... I love it.

      I admit I've seen photos on wedding blogs where it didn't look completely wretched, but the thought of buying my wedding decor at a hardware supply warehouse is just so horrifying that I can't get past it. I hope your Thanksgiving table at least turned out pretty enough to be worth it in the end!

      Thanks for stopping by!